Joel Orr's World

From my friend Pnina Klein

Morty visits the veterinarian in Boca Raton and says, "My dog has a problem."

The doctor replies,  "So tell me about the dog's problem."

"First you should know,  he's a Jewish dog. His name is Irving and he can talk," says Morty.

"He can talk?", the doubtful doctor asks.

"Watch this!" Mort points to the dog and commands: "Irving, Fetch!"

Irving , the dog, begins to walk toward the door, then turns around and
demands, "So why are you talking to me like that? You order me around
like I'm nothing. And you only call me when you want something.   And
then you make me sleep on the floor, with my arthritis. You give  me this
fahkahkta food with all the salt and fat, and you tell  me it's a special
diet. It tastes like dreck! YOU should eat it  yourself! And do you ever
take me for a decent walk? NO, it's  out of the house, a short pish, and
right back home. Maybe if I  could stretch out a little, the sciatica
wouldn't kill me so much!   I should roll over and play dead for real for
all you care!"

The Doctor is amazed. "This is remarkable! What could be the problem?"

Morty says, "Obviously, he has a hearing problem!   I said 'Fetch', not 'Kvetch'."

From my grandson, John Miller--oldie but goodie:

This is a game played by two teams, one out, the other in. The one that's in sends players out one at a time, to see if they can get in before they get out. If they get out before they get in, they come in, but it doesn't count. If they get in before they get out it does count. When the ones out get three outs from the ones in before they get in without being out, the team that's out comes in and the team in goes out to get those going in out before they get in without being out.

When both teams have been in and out nine times the game is over. The team with the most in without being out before coming in wins unless the ones in are equal. In which case, the last ones in go out to get the ones in out before they get in without being out.

The game will end when each team has the same number of ins out but one team has more in without being out before coming in.

(Thanks, Evan)

A piece of road walks into a bar and declares to all its occupants: "I'm the hardest bit of bitumen in the whole of this town!"

The piano player stops and the bar goes deadly silent. After a brief pause, all eyes drop, the pianist returns to playing and the piece of road pulls up a bar stool and settles down to a beer.

Five minutes later, a piece of dual carriageway throws open the bar door. Once again, the bar goes silent but for the creaking of the slow-moving overhead fans. The dual carriageway declares: "I'm the toughest piece of bitumen you'll ever see this side of the border!"

The piece of road slowly turns and locks eyes with the piece of dual carriageway. The tension mounts, other drinkers scatter and take cover. At that precise moment, in walks a piece of freeway which says: "I'm the hardest bit of bitumen in the whole country and I'll take you both on!"

And there they stood in a three-way Mexican stand-off for what seemed like an eternity.

Once again, the door opens and, into the middle of the stand-off, walks a strange-looking piece of coloured bitumen with a blue stripe. The other three turn their backs to the door, sit down at the bar and stare sheepishly into their drinks.

The bartender sidles up to the three of them and asks what the problem is. "Shhhh!", says the dual carriageway, "Watch what you say, that guy's a real cycle path."

Thanks to Freddy Clarke.

 1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds.

 2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tried to do.

 3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage.

 4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with.

 5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate.

 6. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

 7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living.

 8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist.

 9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does.

 10. LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money.

11. MISTY: How golfers create divots.

 12. PARADOX: Two physicians.

 13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower

 14. PHARMACIST: a helper on the farm.

 15. POLARIZE: What penguins see with.

 16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.

 17. RELIEF: What trees do in the spring.

 18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife.

 19. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does.

20. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official