Joel Orr's World

(Thanks, Evan)

A piece of road walks into a bar and declares to all its occupants: "I'm the hardest bit of bitumen in the whole of this town!"

The piano player stops and the bar goes deadly silent. After a brief pause, all eyes drop, the pianist returns to playing and the piece of road pulls up a bar stool and settles down to a beer.

Five minutes later, a piece of dual carriageway throws open the bar door. Once again, the bar goes silent but for the creaking of the slow-moving overhead fans. The dual carriageway declares: "I'm the toughest piece of bitumen you'll ever see this side of the border!"

The piece of road slowly turns and locks eyes with the piece of dual carriageway. The tension mounts, other drinkers scatter and take cover. At that precise moment, in walks a piece of freeway which says: "I'm the hardest bit of bitumen in the whole country and I'll take you both on!"

And there they stood in a three-way Mexican stand-off for what seemed like an eternity.

Once again, the door opens and, into the middle of the stand-off, walks a strange-looking piece of coloured bitumen with a blue stripe. The other three turn their backs to the door, sit down at the bar and stare sheepishly into their drinks.

The bartender sidles up to the three of them and asks what the problem is. "Shhhh!", says the dual carriageway, "Watch what you say, that guy's a real cycle path."

Thanks to Freddy Clarke.

 1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds.

 2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tried to do.

 3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage.

 4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with.

 5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate.

 6. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

 7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living.

 8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist.

 9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does.

 10. LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money.

11. MISTY: How golfers create divots.

 12. PARADOX: Two physicians.

 13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower

 14. PHARMACIST: a helper on the farm.

 15. POLARIZE: What penguins see with.

 16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.

 17. RELIEF: What trees do in the spring.

 18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife.

 19. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does.

20. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.

In comic strips, the person on the right always speaks first.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. 

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?

When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?

Who decides when the applause should die down? It seems like it's a group decision; everyone begins to say to themselves at the same time, "Well, okay, that's enough of that."

From this important historical site:

…Perhaps the most important and influential person in the development of the Internet was a wealthy industrialist by the name of E H Beardie. Although Beardie did not invent the Internet, he is credited as the driver of its growth from a localized technology to a national and ultimately global network and is considered by most Internet historians to be the "Father of the Internet".  
 

Born in 1822 in Philadelphia, Beardie was the first and only son of a migrant dock worker and a skilled one-armed seamstress named Mary-Lou.

Beardie opened his first mill at the young age of 14 and through zeal and cunning rapidly expanded to be one of the largest mill owners in the world.

More

 

E H Beardie

(From http://xkcd.com/c74.html – not entirely family-friendly.)